I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
