if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
