Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
