I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
