Michael Bay diarrhea
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize