So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize