I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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