yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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