Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
