i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
