would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
