Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
