apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize