i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
