Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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