Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
