Will you blow on my dice?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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