Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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