yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
