Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
