I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
