I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
