yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
