I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
