"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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