just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
