someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
