Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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