finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize