I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
