oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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