I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
