I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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