The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize