so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
