Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
