There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
im six kinds of drunk right now
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
