I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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