my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
