You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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