oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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