before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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