Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
