I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
