I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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