Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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