You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
