I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
