Having a random hookup so left but love u
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize