there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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