your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize