I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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