u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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