I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
