Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
