First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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