She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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