i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize